Another Fail, Regrouping

IUI number 6 was another big fat failure. We had originally thought we'd try a few more...but we are not doing another IUI this cycle and I believe we're done with them completely. I'm worn out and we're ready to try something new, with more of a chance.

We plan to both stay on our meds as we research and have consults with several clinics across the U.S. (NY, TN, VA, SC, maybe others) over the next couple of months. In the Spring we will move forward with either IVF or a new procedure we're looking in to.

I'm devastated these IUI's haven't worked. I did NOT want to get to the point we are at. I know no one does, no one even wants to be on this horrible journey...but we are. We were so full of hope one of these IUI's would work. After a few days of sadness and tears, I will find my courage again and be able to move forward and hopefully be able to get excited once this new journey starts.

Thank you for loving us well and walking along side us. I'd be lost without the support and love from family and friends through this.

Here's a really beautiful post I'd love for you to read: You Are Not Alone: Flying Together with Broken Wings

Number 6 and waiting...

IUI #6 in the books. Now the long wait....

I figured whether we went ahead with another or took a cycle off I'd be stressed either hoping an IUI worked or hoping we got a miracle on a natural cycle. So we decided to give it our best shot with another IUI.

I will probably lay low the rest of this cycle may not post again til after the holidays. Hope you all have very Merry Christmas! 🎄 Thank you for your continued love and prayers.

#5, another fail

 Another failed IUI. Feeling very let down but still hopeful that the next one will work.
Not sure if we're doing #6 this cycle or not. We may wait until January. I don't know if I want the stress of it added to the already emotional Christmas season. Holidays are so hard when you're wishing and hoping for a family...
If we do move forward with another IUI this cycle I will probably lay low and keep updates to a minimum.


Whether it's a natural or IUI cycle, we always appreciate prayers. Love you all.

IUI #5

Forgot to update, we had our 5th IUI last week so now we're busy waiting and praying again.

I got these super cute socks (notice the two lines like you get on a positive pregnancy test) for good luck and to keep my feet warm during this waiting time. 😊 They say warm feet = warm uterus = a comfy place for an embryo to implant.Thinking positive for lucky number 5.

Pressing on...

First I just want to say thank you all for the prayers and love and support through my hard days. It means so much to have so many people who love me well and pray for us as we navigate this journey. Love you all so much!

A little appointment update:
I'll try to keep this short. We had a good meeting with out doctor today. We were told our greatest chance for having a baby (especially after 4 failed IUI's) is to do IVF. We have kind of known that from the beginning so it wasn't a surprise but it's still emotional to hear it out loud. We do know the reasons we can't get pregnant naturally but have chosen not to share the specifics of those with anyone. IUI's still had a chance of working, and still do.

We were able to ask a lot of questions about the whole IVF process and she was able to ease some concerns I had about the embryos. I was so worried that they would throw some of my embryos out and she assured me I'd have a say in anything that happened to them. That takes a huge weight off of me, I could never throw them away, even if there were genetic abnormalities. I feel like I could do IVF now if it comes down to that but we're really hoping it doesn't! IVF would give us about a 50% chance of working (IUI is around 10-20% each cycle) and while that is a much higher chance, that's still only 50% and for how expensive it is ($12,000-$15,000, maybe more), we just don't know if we want to try that route (yet). And it would be SO many more meds for me and just a lot to put my body through. The thought of my body on so many meds makes me cry...but I will do it if I need to.

As for our IUI's, she offered to switch me to injectable meds instead of Clomid but they run about $2,300 a cycle so because my body is responding well to the Clomid and Ovidrel trigger shot, we're sticking with those for now. Our plan is to do a couple/few more IUI's before even really moving forward with thoughts on IVF. So for now, IUI cycle #5 is underway!

Again, thank you for loving us so well.

Feeling Hopeless

Me, always on the right. If a picture could describe this journey perfectly, it'd be this one.

IUI #4 didn't work either and I am so worn out from this. I feel so empty and broken and like this will never work. So often I just think maybe we aren't meant to have kids (please don't tell me we are, you don't know that). In the deepest areas of my heart there is still a pull to keep going, try again, keep trusting that God will fill the desires of my heart. . .but it's not always easy to believe it.

We meet with our doctor tomorrow. I don't know that she'll have any new ideas but hopefully so.

Number 4 in the Books

Did IUI #4 last week. Thank you for your prayers. Pray my emotions get a little more under control...I feel horrible. So blah and out of control of my emotions. I think it's both the meds and just the hard journey this is.

This is me exactly:

Round 4

Let round 4 begin. Starting my higher dose of clomid today. Will have my follicular ultrasound next week. Pray we only need one this time around. And of course that it works.

Thankfully our doctor is letting us continue with another IUI while we wait for our consult with her at the end of the month. If it doesn't work, I guess we will discuss other meds or things to try. If it does, she'll lay out our plan for the weeks while I'm in their care before I transfer out. Praying it will be a pregnancy consult!

Y'all the Clomid is giving me more and more side-effects the more cycles I take it. My poor, poor, husband. My emotions are out of control and my ovaries feel like they are going to pop out of my body. It's cray. . .I'm cray.

Another fail. Another heartbreak.

When the time is right, I, the Lord will make it happen. Isa 60:22

Well, another failed IUI but we are not losing hope! We will meet with our doctor soon but are hoping they allow us to continue on with another IUI this cycle while we wait (takes forever to get in to see her!). Pray that all works out, calling today to speak with a nurse.

This was a doozy of a cycle. We felt very hopeful and then I had a late period which of course got our hopes/hearts up even though tests were negative. I think it was probably the extra Clomid that made it so long.

Thank you for your texts, calls, prayers, and love. It means so much that you care. I'm sorry if I'm distant at times. Sometimes it's easier to be alone and not have to talk about any of it. . .and I cry quite frequently. Unless you've walked this journey of infertility, it's impossible to explain the never ending emotional roller coaster this is....with every.single.cycle.

IUI #3

Just wanted to update and let ppl know we've done the IUI and are in the waiting phase now. With having to get three ultrasounds, it's been a bit of a stressful cycle so far. I'm going to focus on relaxing and trying to have a stress-free waiting period.

Will probably lay low for a while now but wanted to share a post from a man who wrote about his and his wife's infertility journey. Here's the link if you would like to read it. . .he does a good job of explaining the emotional journey, even though their story is different than ours. It's a good read!

Thank you all for your love and prayers.

More Waiting...

Well my ultrasound didn't show much of a change since Friday. For some reason my follicles (eggs) didn't respond like they have been to the Clomid. Only two grew 1mm since Friday (typically they are supposed to grow 1-2mm a day). They are putting me on three more days of 100mg of Clomid (a higher dose than what I normally take) and want me to come in for a third ultrasound on Friday. They said my ovaries are responding because I do have several follicles, they just aren't being as responsive this cycle for some reason. So more money and more waiting. 😩 Hopefully they will respond well by Friday and I'll be able to do the trigger shot and do the IUI Saturday.
They did say my lining has gone from 4.something on Friday to 6.9 today (so the red raspberry leaf tea and Pom juice I'm drinking everyday are working!).

Please be praying this extra dose of meds works and that we can move forward with things. And of course be praying for a successful IUI this cycle and healthy pregnancy ahead!

Blessed

It has amazed and humbled me how in this hard, hard, journey family and friends have come along side us in the most beautiful ways. How so many are being tangled into this story of ours. The prayers. The financial gifts (we received more this past week and it came right on time). The calls. The messages. The texts. In the past I've been afraid to share because I don't want others to know our pain but y'all, God is showing me that in the pain there is beauty when you let people in to hold you up. To fill the gaps, not just of finances, but of faith and hope that there is good coming in our story. Thank you for loving us so well. For being in our corner. For being a part of our story.

Update: I will have a second ultrasound this Monday to know when to do the trigger shot and when the IUI will be. We had an ultrasound on Friday but it was too early to tell anything (we needed to have it so we would know how to move forward with it being a holiday weekend but they're expensive!).

Third Time's a Charm!...hopefully

Stork Hoarding...I think it's a real thing.

We were gifted money this past cycle to do IUI #2...such a blessing! So humbling to have people love us so well. We decided to keep it mostly among us and family to lessen the stress and pressure of a lot of people "waiting". It was hard having so many people know everything every step of the way the first time so I wanted it to be as little stress as possible. Sadly IUI #2 didn't work either. *sigh*

We're moving on with #3 this cycle and I will share more here as we go through it but probably still not every detail. We're about a week and half out from doing the IUI (depending on my eggs being ready). Please be praying this one works. As we've heard several times already "third time's a charm"...Let's hope so!

IUI Days 1 & 2

 I had my IUI yesterday. Here's a little journey through the last couple of days...

July 6- I woke up early and gave myself my trigger shot. I was shaking so bad and my heartbeat was going crazy but it wasn't bad once I actually did it. It didn't hurt at all! My ovaries have been hurting this evening, hopefully that means they are getting ready!




 

July 7-Dropped of the sperm sample and then went for coffee and breakfast while we waited for my appt.

The IUI was quick and pretty painless. I laid on the table for a bit and prayed the little guys find the egg(s)! Trigger shot has already started making me nauseous so that's loads of fun. Please be praying this works. I will update in a couple of weeks.

Follicle Check

So my follicles (what holds the eggs before release) aren't quite ready but there are two getting close! One is measuring a 12 and one is a 15, they like to see them at least at 18mm for the trigger shot.
The doctor feels good enough with things that we won't do another ultrasound check and I will just give myself the trigger shot Wednesday morning. Yikes. And then Thursday at 8am is Ben's appt for the semen wash (it takes about an hour) and then 9:30 is my IUI!

Pray for:
-the eggs to continue to develop as planned/predicted
-the IUI procedure to go smoothly
-for the egg(s) to get fertilized AND then stick to my uterus and then grow healthy and safe there for the next several month.

Moving forward

I'm pretty sure everyone I talk to asks "what's an IUI?"...and that's ok! I didn't know what it was before all of this either so just wanted to give you a couple of links in case you you want to read about how this cycle will look for us in great detail. 😉 You can read about it here and watch a 3D animation here. 

So obviously, we didn't get pregnant on our own this past cycle and we're moving forward with the IUI this current cycle. Sad and excited all rolled into one! After a lot of back and forth with the nurses who originally said "nope, can't do it this cycle. You have to meet with your doctor again first", that was NOT what I wanted to hear and did a lot of arguing! I recruited my prayer warriors and cried some mad ugly tears (thank you to those of you who pray, encourage, and lift me up). Finally late yesterday I spoke with the head nurse who said since everything looked good on our tests, she said we can move forward with the IUI this cycle and not have to meet with our Dr again yet. Hallelujah!
So now we're scheduled for an ultrasound around when I'll ovulate and hopefully an IUI in the day or two that follows. This will happen early July.
Prayer requests:
-that the timing works out ovulation wise
-that the IUI works on the first try
-for a healthy pregnancy and baby

An update and new journey...

I know it's been a very, VERY, long time since I've updated here. I've updated our timeline and hope to do a better job of updating our blog again. A lot has happened since my last post. We closed our foster home with the private agency we were working with. They were wonderful but for varies reasons, we no longer felt that we needed to be with them. The plan was to move straight over to TN Department of Children's Services (DCS) but life happens...and sometimes not how you plan. So that hasn't happened yet, though we do plan to contact them soon.

Over the past few months we have been working with a fertility clinic and with a fertility specialist to figure out the reasons we aren't getting pregnant. We've done lots of bloodwork and tests and are both on meds now. We've had several medicated cycles but still have not gotten pregnant. We hope to move on to IUI's soon. You can check out the timeline tab and there are links to explain what an IUI is.

Next month we celebrate our 7th wedding anniversary....and all I can think is that it has been seven years and not one positive pregnancy test. We decided before we got married to let God determine when we'd have babies and chose not to use any type of birth control. So naturally being almost seven years in, a few of those years actively trying to get pregnant, we definitely thought we'd be celebrating with a few kids by now. I mean, at least one! Every single cycle I allow myself to hope and dream and every single cycle so far (7 years worth) has resulted in heartache and crushed dreams. It's been a long road...with a lot of heartache and tears. We are so lucky and blessed to be walking this road together though. It has brought us closer and made us stronger but we're really hoping to be celebrating next year with a baby! I'll be updating as we go through this new journey so feel free to stick around.