Feeling Hopeless

Me, always on the right. If a picture could describe this journey perfectly, it'd be this one.

IUI #4 didn't work either and I am so worn out from this. I feel so empty and broken and like this will never work. So often I just think maybe we aren't meant to have kids (please don't tell me we are, you don't know that). In the deepest areas of my heart there is still a pull to keep going, try again, keep trusting that God will fill the desires of my heart. . .but it's not always easy to believe it.

We meet with our doctor tomorrow. I don't know that she'll have any new ideas but hopefully so.

More Waiting...

Well my ultrasound didn't show much of a change since Friday. For some reason my follicles (eggs) didn't respond like they have been to the Clomid. Only two grew 1mm since Friday (typically they are supposed to grow 1-2mm a day). They are putting me on three more days of 100mg of Clomid (a higher dose than what I normally take) and want me to come in for a third ultrasound on Friday. They said my ovaries are responding because I do have several follicles, they just aren't being as responsive this cycle for some reason. So more money and more waiting. 😩 Hopefully they will respond well by Friday and I'll be able to do the trigger shot and do the IUI Saturday.
They did say my lining has gone from 4.something on Friday to 6.9 today (so the red raspberry leaf tea and Pom juice I'm drinking everyday are working!).

Please be praying this extra dose of meds works and that we can move forward with things. And of course be praying for a successful IUI this cycle and healthy pregnancy ahead!

Blessed

It has amazed and humbled me how in this hard, hard, journey family and friends have come along side us in the most beautiful ways. How so many are being tangled into this story of ours. The prayers. The financial gifts (we received more this past week and it came right on time). The calls. The messages. The texts. In the past I've been afraid to share because I don't want others to know our pain but y'all, God is showing me that in the pain there is beauty when you let people in to hold you up. To fill the gaps, not just of finances, but of faith and hope that there is good coming in our story. Thank you for loving us so well. For being in our corner. For being a part of our story.

Update: I will have a second ultrasound this Monday to know when to do the trigger shot and when the IUI will be. We had an ultrasound on Friday but it was too early to tell anything (we needed to have it so we would know how to move forward with it being a holiday weekend but they're expensive!).

IUI Days 1 & 2

 I had my IUI yesterday. Here's a little journey through the last couple of days...

July 6- I woke up early and gave myself my trigger shot. I was shaking so bad and my heartbeat was going crazy but it wasn't bad once I actually did it. It didn't hurt at all! My ovaries have been hurting this evening, hopefully that means they are getting ready!




 

July 7-Dropped of the sperm sample and then went for coffee and breakfast while we waited for my appt.

The IUI was quick and pretty painless. I laid on the table for a bit and prayed the little guys find the egg(s)! Trigger shot has already started making me nauseous so that's loads of fun. Please be praying this works. I will update in a couple of weeks.

Double Lines

It's been an anxious, yet peaceful, month...can those two feelings co-exists? It is the month where we should get a letter telling us we're approved to be foster parents (...or not). I don't know why I'm nervous...we're pretty good people and I would approve us :) but I guess just having to wait for something that we really want is hard. Especially when other people hold the power to tell us no. It's kinda like holding a pregnancy test...except we've been waiting way past 2mins....we just want to see those double lines! :)
We wait in peace though. God knows our hearts, He knows the children needing love and care, and when the time is right He will bring us all together. We are at peace knowing that He is the one controlling the timing and way all of this is playing out. He knows the kids that need us and He knows the ones that will shape us for His glory. And so we will continue to wait...

Oh yeah...

Guess I forgot to tell you. We had MORE setbacks. Storms came through on March 2 so we had to cancel our meeting with our caseworker (basically, the whole mid-state shut down). We finally got rescheduled and actually met on March 30. Woohoo! :) We finished our last forms at the meeting and were able to get our fingerprinting done that same day too. However, we were also told that with having to wait on the new reference forms, background checks, etc. our homestudy report wouldn't be written and ready to go before the board (or whoever approves new foster parents) until their monthly meeting in mid MAY. Sooo we wait some more...

Please be in prayer that our last reference forms come in before mid May. I'm not sure what will happen if they don't...I really hope we don't have to wait until the June meeting though. The forms either didn't get sent out, were over looked or something. Regardless, there's been some kind of mix up but hopefully that will be taken care of this coming week.

Setbacks

I know it's been a long time since I've posted...there has been nothing to update about for a while. We've played phone tag with our caseworker a bazillion times since our home visit. It's so hard to get her on the phone to ask questions or work out anything. Nothing bad against her...she's awesome and we love her but caseworkers are just SO busy and have such huge loads. We're still in the beginning of this journey so we definitely aren't on the front burner for anything. Which is ok, I'm glad her focus is on who/what matters, but it is so darn hard to be patient some days!

Like I said, we've played lots of phone tag. After our home visit, we needed to get one more reference sent out and we need to fill out one more form (a parenting questionnaire). She had said she'd send them both out that week but days went by and nothing came (our friends who were to be our last reference never got anything either). I believe things got passed off to the people to send them out but I don't think they ever got sent...even after my calling and asking a few times.

Last Tuesday I was finally able to schedule a time (March 2) for us to go in to the office to do the parenting form with our CW (apparently we have to do that with her, she can't just send it...? ). No biggie, we'd rather have an actual date set and we have some questions about some stuff anyway. I asked about background checks because I know we need them but nothing had been said about them yet. She asked if we had been fingerprinted and we hadn't (they have to schedule it for/with us since they pay for it). We were supposed to get a call about that in the next day or two but by Friday we hadn't so I called her again and actually got to talk to her the same day! :) The lady who does the requests and appointment scheduling wouldn't be able to do it until this week sometime SO I've got my phone beside me waiting for that call! Hasn't come yet though.

The big (disappointing) news from that phone call? They (not sure if they is just the agency or the whole state) have to switch to new forms on March 1st....which for us means that all of our references have to be sent out AGAIN with the new forms on/after March 1st (today). And then when all of those are back in, our CW can start (finish?) writing up our report...which then has to go through the whole approval process. *sigh* I was so upset when I heard this, I thanked her for her hard work and for dealing with us/me calling a lot (she is working so hard) and I got off the phone and cried. I'll admit I was very angry. Not at her but just at the whole situation and that we are at least still another month out from getting approved and licensed. Thankfully I have great friends and an awesome husband who let me vent but reminded me that God is in control of this and He has a perfect plan for us and any kiddos we're meant to have....but it still is frustrating.

We meet with our CW tomorrow to go over our parenting form. It will help us all determine the best kids (age, number, developmental & physicals needs, etc.)  suited for us and our home. We've talked about 3yrs and under from the beginning and that is really what I'd like to stick with but who knows?!

Prayer requests at this point would be for patience in this long process and that things will go quick and smooth from here on out. Also pray that we will be who we need to be for these kids when the calls start coming and that God will continue to shape us. Thanks friends!