Is This Real Life?

On Feb 26 I woke up and took a pregnancy test. It was the second one I had taken this cycle, I took one two days before that I didn't really even watch because IF I was pregnant by some miracle, it was way too early to show up. When you've struggled with in infertility you're in one of two categories, you're either a POASA (pee on a stick addict which means you take home pregnancy tests even when you KNOW it won't be positive) or you avoid pregnancy tests like the plague. I am definitely in the first category. This time around I was just waiting for my period to come so I could start all of my IVF meds for our IVF cycle in March (did I ever even update and say that was the plan?). Anyway, I took a test when I woke up and set the timer on my phone and watched that little thing like a hawk...and my eyes (once again) started playing tricks on me. We call it "line eyes" in the infertility world...it's when you see two lines when really there is only one (which means, again not pregnant). I stared and rubbed my eyes, and held it at different angles...there were definitely TWO LINES. I immediately swung the bathroom door open and yelled to Ben "come look at this! Is there another line on here?! I think there are two lines" Bless him, he was sound asleep and didn't know what I was talking about. But once he woke up a little he agreed that there was a second line but he didn't believe it was dark enough to be true. Here's the thing, ANY second line within the time-frame is because you have the pregnancy hormone, just maybe not a high level yet. Y'all, my heart was going CRAZY! I was shaking so bad. Could this be for real?!

I took a picture and jumped on Facebook to post in my infertility group and ask the ladies who would know for sure if there was a second line. And the consensus was, I'M PREGNANT!!!!!

Unless you have a LOT of experience, you probably can't even see a second line in the picture. Trust me, it's there! Since then I've gone for two betas (blood tests that measure the level of the pregnancy hormone) and they have been beautiful and confirmed a pregnancy that is progressing well.

We are in complete shock still. I am having such a hard time believing this is actually real, not a prank, not some joke...I.am.pregnant. After over 7yrs, too many medicated cycles to count, six failed IUI's, right before starting meds for IVF...I'M PREGNANT!!!!!

I'll probably set this post to private for a while. I'm about 5wks now and have told our families and closest friends but will wait a bit longer to share with the world.

Moving Forward...

Wanted to give a quick update with where we are in both our foster and fertility journeys:


Foster care: I've been in contact with a DCS supervisor and she is looking over all of our old trainings and paperwork to get an idea of where we need to start with our re-licensing process. We're really hoping we don't have to start ALL over and some of it will carry over. We will probably have to do another home study since we moved from our last place that got approved. I'm not looking forward to having to get our little house foster care ready for just the last two months of our lease but will do it if I have to (we are planning a move mid/end of February). We know we'll have some trainings to do to get up to date again, just not sure which ones. We're hoping to hear back from them later this week.

Fertility: I've been doing a LOT of research over the past few days and even though we'd love to do the procedure that's new to the U.S., it's just not the best choice for us cost-wise. Although we like our current clinic and doctor ok (I've got some issues with how they do stuff, that's a whole other blog post though), we've decided to pursue IVF at an amazing clinic in Syracuse, New York. Even traveling there, the total cost will be around half of what we'd pay here. It's still very expensive but there are some added benefits with how they do things there that make it worth it. I set up a phone consult today for Jan 30th with the main doctor and founder of the clinic. He's an amazing man who has made it his goal to make infertility treatments affordable for everyone. His IVF costs are literally thousands of dollars less than what other clinics charge. He also is very into natural ways to help infertility (diets, supplements, Chinese medicine and practices to help with stress, etc.). Anyway, we're looking forward to talking to him and working with him after this cycle. I am finally starting to get a little more hopeful and excited about this new IVF journey. It's been a hard pill for me to swallow but I'm coming around.

Please be praying for us as we move forward in both of these areas. There are also some unspoken/typed things going on that we'd love prayers and good thoughts about too...2017 is looking like it might be a pretty great year for us! Thank you for continuing to walk life along side us.

Another Fail, Regrouping

IUI number 6 was another big fat failure. We had originally thought we'd try a few more...but we are not doing another IUI this cycle and I believe we're done with them completely. I'm worn out and we're ready to try something new, with more of a chance.

We plan to both stay on our meds as we research and have consults with several clinics across the U.S. (NY, TN, VA, SC, maybe others) over the next couple of months. In the Spring we will move forward with either IVF or a new procedure we're looking in to.

I'm devastated these IUI's haven't worked. I did NOT want to get to the point we are at. I know no one does, no one even wants to be on this horrible journey...but we are. We were so full of hope one of these IUI's would work. After a few days of sadness and tears, I will find my courage again and be able to move forward and hopefully be able to get excited once this new journey starts.

Thank you for loving us well and walking along side us. I'd be lost without the support and love from family and friends through this.

Here's a really beautiful post I'd love for you to read: You Are Not Alone: Flying Together with Broken Wings

Shout out to my guy

No real update, just wanted to pop in and give a shout out to my amazing husband. He has been so awesome through all of this...the ups and downs of each cycle, the countless tears after failed cycles and negative tests, the emotionally unstable person I become on these meds...I'm a lot to deal with and he's been there every step of the way without complaint. He has been at every test, blood draw, ultrasound, and procedure and I'm just so thankful that in this horrible journey I get to have him right by my side (holding me up most of the time!). He is so loving and encouraging to me and is able to stay much more positive and hopeful than I am. I am so blessed to have him.

Hope you all have a very Merry Christmas and enjoy time with your families. I'm looking forward to spending the holidays with my family in NC this year. Thankful for an amazing family and three nieces and a nephew to love on and play with while I'm there!

Number 6 and waiting...

IUI #6 in the books. Now the long wait....

I figured whether we went ahead with another or took a cycle off I'd be stressed either hoping an IUI worked or hoping we got a miracle on a natural cycle. So we decided to give it our best shot with another IUI.

I will probably lay low the rest of this cycle may not post again til after the holidays. Hope you all have very Merry Christmas! 🎄 Thank you for your continued love and prayers.

#5, another fail

 Another failed IUI. Feeling very let down but still hopeful that the next one will work.
Not sure if we're doing #6 this cycle or not. We may wait until January. I don't know if I want the stress of it added to the already emotional Christmas season. Holidays are so hard when you're wishing and hoping for a family...
If we do move forward with another IUI this cycle I will probably lay low and keep updates to a minimum.


Whether it's a natural or IUI cycle, we always appreciate prayers. Love you all.

IUI #5

Forgot to update, we had our 5th IUI last week so now we're busy waiting and praying again.

I got these super cute socks (notice the two lines like you get on a positive pregnancy test) for good luck and to keep my feet warm during this waiting time. 😊 They say warm feet = warm uterus = a comfy place for an embryo to implant.Thinking positive for lucky number 5.

Pressing on...

First I just want to say thank you all for the prayers and love and support through my hard days. It means so much to have so many people who love me well and pray for us as we navigate this journey. Love you all so much!

A little appointment update:
I'll try to keep this short. We had a good meeting with out doctor today. We were told our greatest chance for having a baby (especially after 4 failed IUI's) is to do IVF. We have kind of known that from the beginning so it wasn't a surprise but it's still emotional to hear it out loud. We do know the reasons we can't get pregnant naturally but have chosen not to share the specifics of those with anyone. IUI's still had a chance of working, and still do.

We were able to ask a lot of questions about the whole IVF process and she was able to ease some concerns I had about the embryos. I was so worried that they would throw some of my embryos out and she assured me I'd have a say in anything that happened to them. That takes a huge weight off of me, I could never throw them away, even if there were genetic abnormalities. I feel like I could do IVF now if it comes down to that but we're really hoping it doesn't! IVF would give us about a 50% chance of working (IUI is around 10-20% each cycle) and while that is a much higher chance, that's still only 50% and for how expensive it is ($12,000-$15,000, maybe more), we just don't know if we want to try that route (yet). And it would be SO many more meds for me and just a lot to put my body through. The thought of my body on so many meds makes me cry...but I will do it if I need to.

As for our IUI's, she offered to switch me to injectable meds instead of Clomid but they run about $2,300 a cycle so because my body is responding well to the Clomid and Ovidrel trigger shot, we're sticking with those for now. Our plan is to do a couple/few more IUI's before even really moving forward with thoughts on IVF. So for now, IUI cycle #5 is underway!

Again, thank you for loving us so well.

Feeling Hopeless

Me, always on the right. If a picture could describe this journey perfectly, it'd be this one.

IUI #4 didn't work either and I am so worn out from this. I feel so empty and broken and like this will never work. So often I just think maybe we aren't meant to have kids (please don't tell me we are, you don't know that). In the deepest areas of my heart there is still a pull to keep going, try again, keep trusting that God will fill the desires of my heart. . .but it's not always easy to believe it.

We meet with our doctor tomorrow. I don't know that she'll have any new ideas but hopefully so.

Number 4 in the Books

Did IUI #4 last week. Thank you for your prayers. Pray my emotions get a little more under control...I feel horrible. So blah and out of control of my emotions. I think it's both the meds and just the hard journey this is.

This is me exactly:

Round 4

Let round 4 begin. Starting my higher dose of clomid today. Will have my follicular ultrasound next week. Pray we only need one this time around. And of course that it works.

Thankfully our doctor is letting us continue with another IUI while we wait for our consult with her at the end of the month. If it doesn't work, I guess we will discuss other meds or things to try. If it does, she'll lay out our plan for the weeks while I'm in their care before I transfer out. Praying it will be a pregnancy consult!

Y'all the Clomid is giving me more and more side-effects the more cycles I take it. My poor, poor, husband. My emotions are out of control and my ovaries feel like they are going to pop out of my body. It's cray. . .I'm cray.

Another fail. Another heartbreak.

When the time is right, I, the Lord will make it happen. Isa 60:22

Well, another failed IUI but we are not losing hope! We will meet with our doctor soon but are hoping they allow us to continue on with another IUI this cycle while we wait (takes forever to get in to see her!). Pray that all works out, calling today to speak with a nurse.

This was a doozy of a cycle. We felt very hopeful and then I had a late period which of course got our hopes/hearts up even though tests were negative. I think it was probably the extra Clomid that made it so long.

Thank you for your texts, calls, prayers, and love. It means so much that you care. I'm sorry if I'm distant at times. Sometimes it's easier to be alone and not have to talk about any of it. . .and I cry quite frequently. Unless you've walked this journey of infertility, it's impossible to explain the never ending emotional roller coaster this is....with every.single.cycle.

IUI #3

Just wanted to update and let ppl know we've done the IUI and are in the waiting phase now. With having to get three ultrasounds, it's been a bit of a stressful cycle so far. I'm going to focus on relaxing and trying to have a stress-free waiting period.

Will probably lay low for a while now but wanted to share a post from a man who wrote about his and his wife's infertility journey. Here's the link if you would like to read it. . .he does a good job of explaining the emotional journey, even though their story is different than ours. It's a good read!

Thank you all for your love and prayers.

More Waiting...

Well my ultrasound didn't show much of a change since Friday. For some reason my follicles (eggs) didn't respond like they have been to the Clomid. Only two grew 1mm since Friday (typically they are supposed to grow 1-2mm a day). They are putting me on three more days of 100mg of Clomid (a higher dose than what I normally take) and want me to come in for a third ultrasound on Friday. They said my ovaries are responding because I do have several follicles, they just aren't being as responsive this cycle for some reason. So more money and more waiting. 😩 Hopefully they will respond well by Friday and I'll be able to do the trigger shot and do the IUI Saturday.
They did say my lining has gone from 4.something on Friday to 6.9 today (so the red raspberry leaf tea and Pom juice I'm drinking everyday are working!).

Please be praying this extra dose of meds works and that we can move forward with things. And of course be praying for a successful IUI this cycle and healthy pregnancy ahead!

Blessed

It has amazed and humbled me how in this hard, hard, journey family and friends have come along side us in the most beautiful ways. How so many are being tangled into this story of ours. The prayers. The financial gifts (we received more this past week and it came right on time). The calls. The messages. The texts. In the past I've been afraid to share because I don't want others to know our pain but y'all, God is showing me that in the pain there is beauty when you let people in to hold you up. To fill the gaps, not just of finances, but of faith and hope that there is good coming in our story. Thank you for loving us so well. For being in our corner. For being a part of our story.

Update: I will have a second ultrasound this Monday to know when to do the trigger shot and when the IUI will be. We had an ultrasound on Friday but it was too early to tell anything (we needed to have it so we would know how to move forward with it being a holiday weekend but they're expensive!).

Third Time's a Charm!...hopefully

Stork Hoarding...I think it's a real thing.

We were gifted money this past cycle to do IUI #2...such a blessing! So humbling to have people love us so well. We decided to keep it mostly among us and family to lessen the stress and pressure of a lot of people "waiting". It was hard having so many people know everything every step of the way the first time so I wanted it to be as little stress as possible. Sadly IUI #2 didn't work either. *sigh*

We're moving on with #3 this cycle and I will share more here as we go through it but probably still not every detail. We're about a week and half out from doing the IUI (depending on my eggs being ready). Please be praying this one works. As we've heard several times already "third time's a charm"...Let's hope so!

IUI Days 1 & 2

 I had my IUI yesterday. Here's a little journey through the last couple of days...

July 6- I woke up early and gave myself my trigger shot. I was shaking so bad and my heartbeat was going crazy but it wasn't bad once I actually did it. It didn't hurt at all! My ovaries have been hurting this evening, hopefully that means they are getting ready!




 

July 7-Dropped of the sperm sample and then went for coffee and breakfast while we waited for my appt.

The IUI was quick and pretty painless. I laid on the table for a bit and prayed the little guys find the egg(s)! Trigger shot has already started making me nauseous so that's loads of fun. Please be praying this works. I will update in a couple of weeks.

Follicle Check

So my follicles (what holds the eggs before release) aren't quite ready but there are two getting close! One is measuring a 12 and one is a 15, they like to see them at least at 18mm for the trigger shot.
The doctor feels good enough with things that we won't do another ultrasound check and I will just give myself the trigger shot Wednesday morning. Yikes. And then Thursday at 8am is Ben's appt for the semen wash (it takes about an hour) and then 9:30 is my IUI!

Pray for:
-the eggs to continue to develop as planned/predicted
-the IUI procedure to go smoothly
-for the egg(s) to get fertilized AND then stick to my uterus and then grow healthy and safe there for the next several month.

Moving forward

I'm pretty sure everyone I talk to asks "what's an IUI?"...and that's ok! I didn't know what it was before all of this either so just wanted to give you a couple of links in case you you want to read about how this cycle will look for us in great detail. 😉 You can read about it here and watch a 3D animation here. 

So obviously, we didn't get pregnant on our own this past cycle and we're moving forward with the IUI this current cycle. Sad and excited all rolled into one! After a lot of back and forth with the nurses who originally said "nope, can't do it this cycle. You have to meet with your doctor again first", that was NOT what I wanted to hear and did a lot of arguing! I recruited my prayer warriors and cried some mad ugly tears (thank you to those of you who pray, encourage, and lift me up). Finally late yesterday I spoke with the head nurse who said since everything looked good on our tests, she said we can move forward with the IUI this cycle and not have to meet with our Dr again yet. Hallelujah!
So now we're scheduled for an ultrasound around when I'll ovulate and hopefully an IUI in the day or two that follows. This will happen early July.
Prayer requests:
-that the timing works out ovulation wise
-that the IUI works on the first try
-for a healthy pregnancy and baby

Good News

SO Ben and I have both heard back about our different tests and everything looks great! My levels came back normal so I'll continue on the meds I'm on. Ben's tests came back great and he'll continue on his meds. Praise!! What does this mean? Not too sure. They are saying they want to do more (expensive) blood work on Ben but since his analysis came back well, he already told them we don't want to do those additional tests (they are super expensive). We'll see what they say. I'm guessing our doctor will want to do another consult. I'm planning to call and ask about our next steps.

So if everything looks good, why aren't we pregnant? Good question...we're guessing and hoping it's because we're just now reaching the point of our different meds helping our bodies reach good levels and working properly. Now that our bodies are where they need to be and doing what they need to do, hopefully we'll get pregnant soon on our own before we even get to the IUI step! That would be amazing. :) I'll update again once we know our next steps forward. Thanks for your support and continued prayers!